Boston is Funny » Contributing Editor: Slim with the Tilted Brim

January 4, 2006

Contributing Editor: Slim with the Tilted Brim

Charlie Wrigley wrote this in the wee hours:

Editor’s Note: As promised, here are some words of wisdom from my good friend…

Rules of the Wingman
by: Slim with the Tilted Brim

There is neither a more valuable nor rare animal on this planet than a
great wingman. A man who will go behind enemy lines with you and chase
women from dusk till dawn, through thick and thin. A man who
understands the rules of engagement and the art of the approach. A man who
will lie to women for you with a straight face, and vice versa. A man who
knows when to approach a group of women and when not to. Where have all
the great wingmen gone? Where art thou? All that remains are a bunch
of coattail riding pussies; which are afraid to get their hands bloodied in
the heart of the fray. Guys who lay in the brush, waiting for you to
initiate conversations with women (because they lack the confidence to
initiate one), before sneaking in from the rear, with little or nothing to
say. A great wingman works in tandem with his partner, and he understands
that there is strength in numbers -Working in a tandem makes the team
stronger. A great wingman is educated (can converse about a number of
topics, and is nimble with his words), funny, confident, and doesn’t give
a fuck what anyone else thinks, because he understands the great laws
of “wingmandom”. The laws of “wingmandom” are laws that have been passed
down for thousands and thousands of years, and a great wingman has taken a sacred oath to honor and respect those laws.

The first law of “wingmandom” is: Have fun first and foremost, and the
women will most certainly follow. Women like being around fun, confident
guys, and even if you fail on your mission that evening (picking up
women), you will have had fun, and nothing will have been lost. The
Coattail riders feign confidence, they always say the wrong things at the
wrong times, and they end up fucking up the evening for everyone. They
also fail to understand the second law of “wingmandom”, which is very
important to a harmonious team.

The second law of “wingmandom” is, never cockblock. If one of your
teammates has a woman’s ear/attention, and it’s obvious she’s very much into
him, leave the area immediately and allow him to work his magic. Don’t
break into their conversation, because you can screw up the chemistry and
destroy any one night stand possibilities he might’ve had. A great wingman
knows when to disappear into the shadows, and allow his partner to fly
solo.

The third law of “wingmandom” is also very important, and a great wingman
must always follow it to the letter. Know when to cut your losses, no
matter how much time or energy you invested in a woman, or a group of
women. If your gut tells you a group of women aren’t interested, make a
clean-respectful break as soon as possible. Cut your losses quickly if
you’ve engaged in meaningless conversation, if you feel the chemistry is
either not there, or if the women are engaging in the conversation just to
be nice (or the scheme drinks). If a woman or a group of women aren’t
interested, there’s not much you can do to change that - a good wingman
understand this - Walk away.

This brings us to the fourth and final law of “wingmandom”. No one wingman
is bigger than the team. Both must make sacrifices in order to make a
successful team, and to coexist. In other words, somebody has gotta be the
sacrificial lamb, fling himself on the grenade, take one for the team, and
take the; talks too much chick, the fat chick, or the ugly chick. More
often than not, attractive women hang in packs, but sometimes they bring
the less than standard chick. In that scenario, you’ll have to
come up with a set of ground rules, which can never ever be deviated from.
Either you take turns (you take the attractive chick this time, and the
next time the situation comes up, it’ll be my turn), or it becomes a “who
sees the attractive chick first” scenario (Taking turns is usually the
more diplomatic/honorable approach). However under no circumstances, must
you hang your wingman out to dry, especially if he’s gone to bat for you
in the past by flinging himself on the knife. If it’s his turn to talk to
the attractive chick, you MUST talk to the “less than your standards”
chick, because that chick could end up blowing ANY chance he had with the
attractive chick. Those are the rules. And I’m sure 99% of the men out
there have had a “less than your standards” chick ruining his evening by
pulling her attractive (and interested in him) friend away from their
conversation, because no one was talking to her, story. Chicks like that
have been ruining men’s one night stands chances for many a moon, and they
won’t be stopping anytime soon. In fact, chicks like that feel it’s their
civic duty, hence the importance of a great wingman. A great wingman can
neutralize a “less than your standards” chick’s powers.