Boston is Funny...

Grandpa Wrigley here…

There were winners and there were losers, but most importantly Han Solo was wearing an earring.

What the hell is Indy trying to pull? If you want to wear jewelry, that’s fine, pick out a nice shiny pinky ring. Something with sharp edges in case you need to rap a fella on the lip for disrespectin’ a lady.

Don’t any people in Hollywood speak American anymore? British accents, Irish brogues, Aussie speak, Ebonics, Chicano yips and theater lisssspssss… had me craving for a man’s man… hell someone like Bob Hope. He was a talented fella. Hell of a golf swing too. He’s kind of man you’d let take your daughter to the picture show. He’d have her back before nine, you can bet yer bottom. What a gentleman. Unlike that fancy-pants city lawyer she got hitched up with. He moved them away causin’ me never to see my daughter or my grandchildren.

They call a couple of times a year, if they remember. (sigh)

There was lots of homa-sexual stuff nominated this year. Like Will & Grace, Desperate Housewives and some other shit too. Thank God Brokeback Mountain, a real manly picture ‘bout some fuckin’ cowboys was representing the High Life men, throwing a little goddamn testosterone in a room full of crybabies and attention cravers.

All these people winning keep running up onto the stage only to start crying. Like that Oriental cookie from Arli$$. They don’t make programs like Arli$$ anymore that’s for damn sure. But, what the hell are they crying about? They should be happy; the losers should be the ones crying. Come here you, I’ll give you something to cry about! Get in my kitchen and peel some onions! Here’s some tear gas too.

Did I remember to play the number tonight? Tonight, I win. I’ve got a feeling.

Anthony Hopkins won the lifetime achievement award this year. Never cared for the man… dressing up like his mamma goin around slashing sweet girls in the shower and during business hours. That’s no way to run a damn Motel! He ought to be ashamed of himself!

Oooh I wish I could pee like regulars… Grandpa is in a lot of pain.

Joaquin Phoenix looks awfully strange. Wait… Does he have a frog on his head? That boy ‘aint right.

Well here’s Clint Eastwood. A real man. He looks like a million bucks. If I was a few years younger and it was a different time… ahem, I would punch his damn lights out for being so masculine. Yer goddamn right. What’s this? He’s handing an award to a Chinaman!

Well that’s enough for me, I can’t take any more. I’m going to bed.

Hell, not just yet. I’ve made it so far. I want to see if that Cowboy movie wins, besides I’ve gotta finish my prune juice. I ‘aint seen the movie yet, but I just know it’s full of cussin’ and whorin’ and fightin.’

They are about to announce the winner…

Brokeback Mountain!

Yesssssssssssss! Finally a gloriously acted film that made me so emmotional! A movie I’ve seen again and again. I absolutely must open that special bottle of Champagne that I’ve been saving for a special occasion like this!

I have a dream. Or at least I hope to have a dream tonight. It will be about cowboys.

Filed under: Today in Boston

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