March 15, 2006
St. Patty’s Day Tips
I don’t offer much in the sense of public service ever, really. So I’d like to change gears and help you make this the best St. Patrick’s Day ever. I’m mostly Irish and from Boston, home of the first ever celebrated St. Patrick’s Day on American soil… so for any newcomers, here are some tips to make your Day special…
You don’t have to be Irish
Who cares if you aren’t Catholic, or Irish – St. Patrick wasn’t either! It’s true. St. Patrick was born a pagan in Wales, lucky bastard. So, if you’re Jewish, you’re in. If you’re black, that’s cool black-jack! Protestants are welcome, but keep that shit to yourself. In fact everyone from all races and denominations are welcome; except maybe the Italians. I think I can speak for everyone when I say we’ve had enough of their shit.
Buy the Best Corned Beef you can find!
There is nothing better than corned beef, except anything edible. You want a piece of meat that you can be proud to boil for hours evaporating any taste, flavor and nutritional value. Slip the butcher an extra fifty and ask for the finest slab of corned beef he has. To keep him honest, argue about the piece he gives you even if it looks pretty good. Argue until he gives you your fifty bucks back, in honor of St Patrick! Now grab all your favorite vegetables, like cabbage and turnips and your ready to have an authentic Irish St. Patrick’s day boiled dinner. Except the Irish don’t eat that stuff.
Get a good spot at the parade!
Parades are awesome! You get to watch people walking past you all day. Some are even wearing funny green hats! You want to get close to the action. You want to be so close, that you can touch and smell the gays parading past you. Make sure you stand there all day and wave to all the strangers walking past you. That’s perfectly normal.
Get to Church early!
It’s obviously a big religious day, so you want to be the first one to get to church. Get a spot in the middle of the church so you have a nice unobstructed view of the priest. Listen to his sermon. Pray your fucking ass off, after all it is St. Patrick’s Day! He got all the snakes out of Ireland for you! Show some thanks. Pray hard. Pray for shit like: finding some money, getting a promotion, getting laid… Church is like a free wishing well which is nice because you get to save all your loose change for the peep show booth.
The other benefit of being in the middle of the church is that when it comes time to shake hands offering peace you have access to shitloads of hands. Shake them fuckers! Tell them “ may the peace of God be with you.” Say it twice and hold the handshake a little longer than normal. Let them know you really mean it, even if you don’t believe it. Try to shake everybody’s hands, spread the peace. Get out into the aisle, touch everybody like a fat cat politician. Kiss babies. Kiss the ladies on the mouth like Richard Dawson. Don’t kiss the men on the mouth. Kiss them on the cheek. Whisper in their ears if you want. If things get weird, remind these people that they are in a house of God on the holiest of days.
This looks like the makings of a pretty sweet St. Patrick’s Day. You have it all. Parades, boiled dinners, and Church.
Have fun, and try to remember what this day is really all about. If anyone knows what this day is really all about, please let me know - I’ll be playing flip-the-cup while you’re at church, the parade or eating boiled sludge.
Filed under: Today in Boston
2 Responses to “St. Patty’s Day Tips”
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March 15th, 2006 at 10:41 pm
…And eat green food. It’s your only reasonable opportunity to serve moldy bread.
March 16th, 2006 at 10:38 am
Tips… You want tips. I’ll give you tips.
1. Don’t Drink Green Beer.
2. Don’t order Irish Coffee, all that whipped cream on your upper lip. Not a good look.
3. Damm it, your italian. Eat a zeppole on St. Joseph’s Day.