Boston is Funny...

You know what I miss? Spitting. That’s right; spitting. I was really good at it too, and I ‘aint much good at anything. It’s not fair that the only people who get to enjoy spitting are either ballplayers or stupid babies.

Hi-fives have obviously made a long overdue comeback, so why not the spitting? Join the movement and start enjoying America’s real favorite past time. Do it for America.

So I need to ask, are you spitting enough? Do you spit indoors? After winning an argument, do you spit in celebration? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you are already doing your part to advance the movement. If you aren’t quite there yet, don’t fret; we are here to help.

Here’s a little starter kit to help you get, well, started: a few choice times where a little spit is keen punctuation and will help you get back into the awesome habit, but first the ground rules:

1. Spit saliva or blood only- no lougies, creep.
2. To avoid everyone spitting on each other all the time, always turn your head to the left to spit.
3. No spittoons allowed; this is progress folks, spittoons could set us back 100 years.
4. If you already spit all day because you dip, you need to stop this vile shit immediately.
5. Velocity must be at a maximum, no droolers, or suck-backs.
6. If you spit on yourself you’re out. That’s right; spit Darwinism. Live with it, failure.
7. Women are not only allowed, but are encouraged to participate.
8. As always, there are exceptions to these rules.
Without further ado, here are the times you should spit.

First Impression
Douche bags are always giving you tips on how to make an impression when meeting new people, and I’m a douche bag, so… They will remember you if, after you shake hands, you take a nice pregnant pause and then spit, maintaining eye contact all the while. Eye contact is crucial, trust me.

Extra points if you’re on a job interview or meeting your fuck buddy’s parents for the first time.

The Vows
Nothing puts emphasis after the “I do’s” like a nice little mouth diving foam.

Extra points if you have your fingers crossed during the vows.

Entering a Not Guilty Plea
Fuckin’ right I’m not guilty! (spit) And I wave my goddamn right to an attorney! (spit) I can defend myself, thank you very much! (spit).

Extra points if you are facing a life sentence or if you’re innocent.

At the Office
Got a great idea in a meeting? Spit first to get their attention, and then tell them your idea.

Extra points if you get fired because of your terrible ideas, not the spitting.

Spit Takes
This is a lost comedic art form. The spit take. Timing is everything. Take a sip of your Midori Sour just before you know a friend is about to say something hilarious and then spray a seemingly spontaneous Midori mist because you just can’t hold it in.

Extra points if your friend isn’t being funny at all or just told you he/she has a terminal illness.

Spit Fights
Too often we get into physical altercations with each other. The results are usually black eyes, broken bones and bloodshed. We need to stop hurting each other! Instead, let your spit do the fighting. If this were ever put into practice everyone would be on an equal playing field regardless of physical stature. Smart people everywhere would actually have a chance to win a fight!

Extra points if you mix up the real spit with spitting out lyrics about your adversary’s momma.

Eulogy
What can I say about Aunt Mary? She was an awesome lady, and now she soars with the eagles or angels and shit. She is in a much better place. Then again, anything would be an improvement on that little rat hole where she hung her hat. Cheers! (spit, splat)

Extra points if you can actually use the word spit more than once in the eulogy. For example: She was the spitting image of Janeane Garofalo with the courageous big heart of swimmer Mark Spitz…

Spelling Bee
If you can quote Napoleon Dynamite at a Spelling Bee, you can definitely spit.
-”Your word is scimitar.”
-”Hmm, could you please use scimitar in a sentence?” (spit)
-”Sure, The contestant at the spelling bee had a difficult time spelling scimitar.”
-”Ok, I got it. Scimitar. S-c-i-m-i-t-a-r. Scimitar.” (spit)
-”Correct!”

Extra points if instead of spelling the actual word, you spell f-u-c-k-y-o-u, then spit… blood.

At the BMW Dealership
The pricks at these dealerships are a dangerous mix of self-importance while being grossly undereducated. Make sure you wear a suit into the place, so they’ll at least look at you. Get one of these creatures to try and sell you a Five Series, then ask: Hey! Where the fuck is the tow ball on this rig? (spit on hood)

Extra points if you have him get the paperwork started for three sixty-thousand dollar automobiles, while you go to the bank to get some “funds.” Come back with a dozen eggs. Egg ‘em. Spit on the eggs first.

You should now have a good strategy to get started and get spitting. Please, use your own imagination and improvise when you think a good spit is warranted. Practice at home with your family at the dinner tabe. Or in the bedroom with your significant other. Do it for America.

Filed under: Today in Boston

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