Boston is Funny » I Kicked Lent’s Ass!

April 24, 2006

I Kicked Lent’s Ass!

Charlie Wrigley wrote this around lunchtime:

And So Do I.

I kicked Lents ass!

Peace out Lent. You got your fuckin’ ass kicked. See you next year, pussy!

Lent was all, “you can’t fuck with me. I’ll beat you down so bad your whole family will be crying over your stupid corpse.”

Guess what asshole? I took you down hard. Now you got a whole 325 days to think about it. I’m embarrassed for you. I honestly feel sorry for you.

Wait, no I don’t, because I kicked your ass, Lent! Beat you like a rented magician. I’m going to change my myspace headline from “Thank God Black History Month is over” to “I kicked Lent’s ass” for dozens of people to see. How you feel know? Pretty silly, I’ll wager.

40 days of Lent! I could do 40 days balanced on my prick, you fool. Try 365 days of Charlie! You wouldn’t last a weekend! I’m fucking hardcore! You, on the other hand are weak. WEAK!

I’m not a big man. I don’t kick a lot of ass. So when I kicked Lent’s ass, it was kind of a big deal for me. It was touch and go for a little while, but I came on strong in the last few days.

Want to know the secret to kicking Lent’s ass? Sure you do. When I fight, I go for the taint. No one ever expects an all out assault on their taint, so it’s a vulnerable target. Most people protect their precious heads. Leaving the taint wide open, just waiting to get donkey-punched. Anyhow, fearing a counter attack and leaving nothing to chance, I quietly sneaked up behind Lent all quiet-y and sneaky. I got real low to the ground. Then POW! A huge left handed uppercut to Lent’s taint.

There is nothing more satisfying than bringing Lent to its damn knees, hands clutching its taint in blue-faced anguish. Lent was down, but not out. Lent has a huge taint area. A few more well executed blows would secure the victory.

I did what any warm blooded American would do. I walked up to Lent. Lent extended its arms as if to concede, tugging at my very, very expensive shirt that I bought in fuckin’ Milan, pleading for mercy. “Fuck mercy, I gave that up. I gave mercy up for you.” Then I kicked Lent square in the unprotected taint with my steel toe boots twelve times. Lent passed out after eight boots.

By my estimation, Lent will be up and about and ready to throw down again in about 325 days. I’ll be ready for you Lent, and next year I’m giving up adhering to the 10 commandments. In other words, I’m going to swear at you. I’m gonna beat you up on Sunday; covet the shit out of you, and everything you own. I’m gonna covet your wife too, before I make beautiful love to her. I’m gonna lie to ya, I’m gonna steal from ya, I’ll practice some voodoo shit on your ass and summon some Greek Gods to toss you around as well. Then, I’ll disrespect your parents.

Then Lent, you die.

Filed under: True Stories