Boston is Funny » The Unsexiest Women in the World Part II

May 1, 2006

The Unsexiest Women in the World Part II

Charlie Wrigley wrote this around lunchtime:

PART II

So here is the second of five installments of the 50 Unsexiest women in the World.

But first a quick re-cap:

50. The Catwoman
49. Sarah Michelle Gellar
48. Paris Hilton
47. Sharon Stone
46. Katie Holmes
45. Celine Dion
44. Elayne Boosler
43. Sissy Spacek
42. Amanda Bearse
41. Natalie Portman

The next set of ten are very unsexy women, but hey being sexy isn’t the most important thing in life right, there are other – oops look at the time; I have to run, I’m late for my sexy lessons, I’ll be back later…

40. Lisa Kudrow – She was the unsexiest friend behind Schwimmer and he doesn’t wear (a lot of) make-up, nothing against her, she just aint sexy.

39. Rachel Ray – Rachel Ray is passionate about food. In fact, if you and her and some indeterminate meat wrapped in bacon were on a sinking ship and she could only save one, which do you think she’d pick. The answer is bacon, but bacon is the answer to so many of life’s questions. I don’t trust her smile. I have also heard a rumor that her taste buds were destroyed in a softball accident, so she is acting like all the stuff she makes is delicious. And you know what? She’s right, her stuff is delicious. (Apologies to anyone who doesn’t know who the fuck Rachel Ray is)

38. Frances McDormand – What the hell does she have in her mouth? Is she storing food for the season? Spit out the tobacco Frances! It’s terrible for you!

37. Rosie O’Donnell – I’m not a Rosie Basher, but her stint as the unsexy retard (at least I think she was going for the unsexy retard angle) on that T.V. movie where she rides on the bus earned her a spot at 37. She should probably be a lot higher on the list too, because retarded or not, riding on a bus is not that big of a deal. Rumor has it she’ll be filling the empty chair on the View. They’re gonna need a bigger chair. Oh Snap!

36. Lisa Rinna – Are you kidding me? What is wrong with these women? Why would this dancing star think lips that look like tubular large intestine looks sexy – and she maintains the look! Women are crrrazy!

35. Avril Lavigne – Picture the sexiest woman in the world. Ok got one in mind? Now imagine that you live in the same house, and she has the flu so bad that she’s been bed ridden for a week. Now she finally gets out of bed looking like phlegm death and goes to the fridge for some juice just as you’re on your way to work and the light from the fridge – the first artificial or natural light to illuminate her pesto hued skin in a week – hits her just as you look at her. That’s Avril Lavigne on a good day. Maybe she hates vitamins. Or maybe she loves heroin.

34. Tori Spelling – A live action Picasso. Sorry, I’m just not a fan of nepotism: it’s so unsexy.

33. Sarah Jessica Parker – Awww, America’s sweetheart. If she lived in Salem present day, they might dig up some old witch burning practices. All I’m saying is that she looks like a witch. And not the “sexy” kind gals dress up like on Halloween. She looks like a witch that has flying monkeys and makes weird soup.

32. Susan Warnick – the first local woman to make the List. Warnick is a newscaster and from the looks of it, spent way too many summers down the Cape. The liquid lunches at Davios might be a caveat too. She was once married to local sportscaster Bob Lobel. Now I’m not going to speculate as to why the two divorced, but I can definitely say Lobel was just too damn sexy for Warnick.

31. Nancy Grace – Thank God I can’t afford HD TV, because if I could, I would need to keep a bucket handy every time I accidentally flipped past CNN when Grace is on-air. The bucket, of course, is for me to throw up in; and throw up buckets, like high definition tee vees, don’t come cheap.