May 1, 2006
The Unsexiest Women in the World Part III
Here it is, the next ten unsexiest women in the world… but first, a re-cap:
50. The Catwoman
49. Sarah Michelle Gellar
48. Paris Hilton
47. Sharon Stone
46. Katie Holmes
45. Celine Dion
44. Elayne Boosler
43. Sissy Spacek
42. Amanda Bearse
41. Natalie Portman
40. Lisa Kudrow
39. Rachel Ray
38. Frances Mcdormand
37. Roie O’Donnell
36. Lisa Rinna
35. Avril Lavigne
34. Tori Spelling
33. Sarah Jessica Parker
32. Susan Warnick
31. Nancy Grace
And the next 10 unsexiest women in the world are…
30. Björk – Björk proves that not everything from Iceland is sexy. Her music is unsexy. Most unsexy of all: she has an umlaut (two dots) over the o in her name, very unsexy.
29. Kathy Griffin – her self indulgent masturbatory brand of “comedic” rhetoric is bafflingly gawd awful. And she has an unsexy square head. And who told the unsexy people that plastic surgery would make them sexy? Congratulations Kathy, you made “a” list.
28. Vicky Lewis – Who the hell is Vicky Lewis? She’s the girl who you thought was Kathy Griffin, except even less sexy.
27. Oprah Winfrey - Oprah before putting her “face on” is to the little dude inside Darth Vader. Oprah is a weak little man in a fat suit. There I said it.
26. Mackenzie Phillips – She was so unsexy, that she made Valerie Bertinelli look like a damn Supermodel. She’s so fugly, that even Schneider looked pretty good in that jean vest.
25. Ashlee Simpson – It must suck having Jessica as your sister. Then again, if they weren’t sisters, Ashlee would be laboring away at a Dairy Queen (or Chuck- E - Cheese) pushing unsexy frozen treats (or pizzas).
24. Mary-Louise Parker – she sells the character that’s dying of a terminal illness perfectly. Sexy woman can’t pull that off. Could you imagine Pamela Anderson playing a character whose insides are deteriorating from Hepatitis? Wait, nevermind.
23. Madonna – If you move somewhere you take on a different accent, I can understand that; when I went away to college I lost the, ah, Bawstin accent. But living in England for a few months and Madonna thinks she’s the fuckin queen of unsexiness! I heard her recently doing an interview from Paris, as she was “on holiday for a weekend” and she said, honest to god – “I am doing, uh, how you say, very guude?” (French accents are tough to pull off in print)
22. Holly Hunter – The poor man’s Jodie Foster. I’m not crazy about that analogy either. She does a lot of nudity. Why? Seriously. Maybe she is an actor who will only do nudity if it’s implemental to the pot. The only time seeing Holly’s boobs, (I stared at the screen for a good ten minutes trying to rhyme a word for women’s breasts with Holly, to no avail. Rhyming is stupid) but the only time her nudity should be implemental to a plot is if Angelina Jolie can save the world from evil terrorists with a plane full of snakes by flashing the bad guys, but Angelina’s character is too shy to do it alone and will only agree if Holly Hunters character goes first. The terrorists, much to their dismay, agree if that’s what it takes to get Angelina Jolie naked. That sounds like a fantastic movie by the way.
21. Lili Taylor – If an actor only plays characters that are unsexy and inadequate in some way, she too is probably unsexy. As a disclaimer, I’m a huge fan of hers. That being said, I wrote a script and there is a perfect role for her: unsexy girl number three.
We are down to the final twenty. I can’t believe it. Can you?
Check back Tuesday for Part IV - (4) - (four)
Filed under: Today in Boston, Top Lists
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