Boston is Funny » The Final 10 Unsexiest Women in the World

May 3, 2006

The Final 10 Unsexiest Women in the World

Charlie Wrigley wrote this in the late evening:

The Unsexiest women in the world has been a fun ride. I apologize to anyone who gets told they look like someone on the this list – keep in mind that it’s all just one guys opinion. Without any further ado, here are the final ten unsexy women in the world. Congratulations ladies!

10. Hilary Rodham Clinton – I’ll probably vote for Hilary in the next election, which just goes to show you that sexiness isn’t that important when it comes to politicians (although it may have helped Kerry) that’s why I’ve stayed away from politicians as a rule on this list, because it’s their jobs to make laws and stuff, it’s not their jobs to be sexy, unless they make a law that politicians have to be sexy.

9. Britney Spears – I’m not sure what happened to Britney in such little time. I shudder to think what she’ll look like in ten years. Maybe like Anne Ramsey? (See #12) I wonder what her secret is. How she could go from, like, totally chic to, like, totally geek (I watched a Can’t buy me Love last night) in just a few years. Fuck Britney Spears, we all know how unsexy she is, I want to talk about Can’t Buy Me Love. I know suede is expensive an all, but who wears their mothers white suede suit to a high school party and then drinks red fucking wine? The fact that it’s your moms white suede suit has gotta be a red flag. And I don’t care how much of a nerd you were in high school; no one mows laws all fucking summer to save money for a telescope.

8. Cher – Every time I see Cher she looks different. She changes more than a traffic light. I must admit, I die inside a little each and every day that she doesn’t produce a follow-up to Do You Believe… Well, Cher, I do believe, but not in life after love, I believe that you are one unsexy chameleon.

7. Whitney Houston – Her placement on the list was inevitable. What can be said about Whitney that hasn’t been said already? I’ve got an idea to combat that problem. Let’s play opposite game. I’ll write stuff that is the opposite of the truth. Whitney Houston is one sexy mofo. She has a balanced head on her shoulders and has treated her fame-dom with the outmost care and respect. She has superb taste in men and is a phenomenal judge of character. Also, crack is a really great look for her.

6. Star Jones – If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all: I have heard that she can read pretty fast. Not like speed-reader fast, but rather, at a nice steady pace. You how sometimes when you get distracted and you re-read the same sentence a few times? That shit never happens to Star Jones.

5. Courtney Love – She’s a mess. That’s why she is the filthy fifth unsexiest woman in the world. But she’s competitive, so look for her to be in the top three next year.

4. Joan Rivers – The ironic thing about this organism made up of surgically enhanced unsexy molecules is that she judges how sexy famous people are for a living. Deciding who is unsexy and who isn’t is the most vapid, ridiculous thing I have ever heard! And it is my decision, therefore, that Joan Rivers is in fact the forth unsexiest woman in the world, which is an accomplishment; have you ever seen some of those women in National Giographic? I award those National Geographic home-tribe-honeys huge points for aging naturally, wearing very little make-up and not getting lifts on their saggy boobs. Those women are so brave.

3. Donatella Versace – Yikes!

2. Whoopi Goldberg – Whoopi, at one time got a pass, because some people thought she was funny. Well, things change.

1. Bruce Vilanch – I love women too much to actually name a woman the “unsexiest in the world.” Therefore that honor goes to Bruce Vilanch. And that is the truth; Bruce Vilanch is the unsexiest woman in the world. You might ask then, wouldn’t Whoopi Goldberg be the unsexiest woman in the world by default? The answer is no, Bruce Vilanch is the unsexiest woman in the world. Period.