June 22, 2006
Love Quiz
So you’ve been going steady for some time now, and you are wondering if you should take the next step. Take this quiz and see if it’s the right choice. You might learn something about yourself as well as about your man…
1. On Your first date he…
a. Brought you flowers, splurged for a five-course meal and capped off the night with a romantic moonlight drive.
b. Took you to see his favorite musical, where you both cried ‘tears of joy’ in the third act.
c. Was involved in a deadly hit-and-run before he picked you up and made you swear on your unborn children that you’d never tell a living soul.
d. Took you to a baseball game and called you a fucking jinx when his team lost.
2. At the end of your first date…
a. He gave you a sweet peck on the cheek.
b. He gave you a hug and whispered in your ear that he wished this magical night would never end.
c. He gave you his word that he would kill everyone in your family if they didn’t listen to his ska band’s demo tape.
d. He gave you Herpes Simplex B from two-minutes of unprotected hate-sex in the back seat of his fuckin’ Monte Carlo while repeating the mantra: You screwed my Red Sox, now I’m gonna screw you.
3. On Sunday afternoons he…
a. Wants to do outdoor activities with you, like rock-climbing, biking and skimming stones.
b. Loves to take you antique shopping.
c. Makes you shower repeatedly to wash away all the filth.
d. Likes “quickies” in between innings, quarters, sets, holes, laps, halves and periods (no pun intended).
4. When he first met your parents he…
a. Called your dad sir, and asked if you and your mom were sisters.
b. Complimented your mother’s fashion sense.
c. Looked your dad square in the eyes and thought to himself, “That’s right; I’m fuckin’ your daughter, pal.” And then, nodding his head in affirmation, says aloud “That’s right; I’m fuckin’ your daughter, pal.”
d. Told your dad he could beat him at any sport, any time, any place.
5. Your friends think he’s…
a. Charming and sweet.
b. Stylish and cultured.
c. Strong and ambitious.
d. Athletic and competitive.
6. His best bud is upset because he just broke up with his girlfriend of four years. He…
a. Brings a six-pack and a pizza over to his buddy’s place to cheer him up.
b. Doesn’t have any male friends.
c. Vows never to speak to that bleeding-hearted pussy ever again.
d. Sets him up on a date with your sister because he can definitely get to third base within the first hour.
7. At the big annual camping trip with your friends, he…
a. Builds the fire every night and makes freshly toasted smores for everyone.
b. Books a room at a boutique hotel the first day after complaining about gnats, the whole time pronouncing the “g” in gnats.
c. Brings a still-warm pig that he’d caught and killed with his bare hands to dinner. There are no farm animals within fifty miles of the campsite.
d. Spends most of the weekend drunk and playing horseshoes with a bunch of Korean widowers two campsites away.
8. While helping him hang a mirror in his apartment, you accidentally drop it and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces. He…
a. Carries you out of the room so you don’t cut yourself, then sweeps up the glass.
b. Belts out a high-pitched scream at the top of his lungs, jumps up on a chair, and pledges not to come down for seven years.
c. Punches you in the mouth, then picks up a big shard and licks it.
d. Bets you a hundred dollars he can guess how many pieces of glass there are within five pieces. Makes you shake on it.
9. When you hint about marriage he…
a. Is always thoughtful and has nothing but positive words about your long future together.
b. Already has his tuxedo and floral arrangement picked out. Also has some “ideas” for the bridesmaids’ dresses.
c. Stares at you without blinking until you run out of the room crying.
d. Changes the subject, or wasn’t listening at all to begin with.
10. When you say I love you, he replies with…
a. I love you too.
b. Oh Honey, you are so adorable!
c. You’d better, or I’ll bomb your grandparents’ whole fuckin’ retirement community.
d. (While watching T.V.) Shhhh… Not now babe, the Preakness starts in like two hours.
Answers:
Mostly A’s
You are a lesbian.
Mostly B’s
Your man likes penis… a lot. But on the positive side, at least you have something in common. How does it feel to be a beard anyway?
Mostly C’s
Take a cosmotogy class or two, because you are going to need to get good at covering bruises with pancake makeup. It’s okay because you probably deserve it.
Mostly D’s
You are the luckest gal in town. He’s easy to please, and he’ll never notice when you are getting the tube steak from the butcher down the street.
Filed under: Today in Boston
One Response to “Love Quiz”
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June 22nd, 2006 at 1:57 pm
REALLY!!
“Mostly B’s
Your man likes penis… a lot. But on the positive side, at least you have something in common. How does it feel to be a beard anyway?”