Boston is Funny » Coffee Talk

June 23, 2006

Coffee Talk

Charlie Wrigley wrote this just before lunchtime:

Wow, you drink coffee, hilarious. What’s that? You can’t get going until you’ve had four cups? Awesome.

Here’s an idea… Shut the fuck up about it. Can’t live without your coffee, eh? What a huge loss to the human population it would be if you and your oversized Garfield mug that you so whimsically made at a paint-your-own-pottery-place on an afternoon of espresso fueled creativity weren’t in it. Idiot. Garfield huh? Great choice. You can’t paint for shit either. He looks more like Heathcliffe you untalented hack. Oh, your kid made it huh? Is he a retard? Oh, it’s a she huh? Is she fucking blind? Piss off!

Don’t even. Don’t even blame your typos in your morning update email bore-fest on the fact, that awe, you’re sleepy, and you haven’t hawd yaw cowfee yet. You know what? You’re an idiot, and all the coffee in Colombia isn’t going to cure your spelling and grammar deficiencies. Its caffeine, not smart juice, stupid.

And once you start to get your caffeine geek going, stay the fuck away from me. I’m a miserable fuck, and I will stab you, chipper jones. I will stab you in the heart with the very plastic spork that you are stirring your Splenda and skim hazel nut crème. Got it?

And who are you kidding with the splenda and the skim milk. You are a house, with attached garages on each of your thighs. Yes, you are fat. What the hell are you eating when you aren’t drinking coffee? Caffeine is a supposed to be a dietary supplement. Like cocaine. There are no fat coke-heads. You’re a goddamn anomaly.

Listen cubicle jockey, I don’t need to hear how much coffee you drink. I don’t need to hear you tell everyone on the phone how much coffee you drink, as telling them so is your preferred opener. It’s not funny no matter how hard you laugh. every. single. time.

That’s it. Have a nice day, asshole.

Filed under: Today in Boston