April 28, 2006
The 50 Unsexiest Women in the World Part I
PART I
“The 50 unsexiest woman in the world”, is not an accurate statement. Your friends and neighbors are much unsexier than some of the lassies on this list, but they aren’t famous. As it should be, unxexy people shouldn’t be famous. By the way, I am ripping off the Boston Phoenix’s 100 Unsexiest men in the world, if you haven’t yet noticed. But my list is different. For one, I’m a man (sort of) listing unsexy women. The list compilers of their list were also men. Men deciding which men are unsexy. That’s just weird. Also I know that “unsexy”, “unsexiest”, and “unsexier” are not “words.”
My list takes into account a few variables. Fugly tops the list. Vanity (read: plastic surgery) and stupidity are also big factors. Lastly there is the cringe factor. On with the show.
50.Jocelyne Wildenstein – also known as the Catwoman. I wanted to start the list off with a bang, and here she is. She’s the modern day monster of Frankenstein and Mary Shelley would be proud. Some women age gracefully and some women go under the knife to stay sexy. She isn’t sexy. She looks like a cat. I hate cats. Follow my logic?
49. Sarah Michele Gellar – ok this may be a controversial pick. Not for me. When I see her, I immediately think of a young Alice Cooper. Because she takes me to that place, Mrs. Prince Jr earns number 49 on my list.
48. Paris Hilton – Skankerella is so void of talent, she can’t even give a proper bj! She oozes of unsexiness and unless you like talking about gum, I can’t imagine a conversation with her lasting longer than an Elvis tune.
47. Sharon Stone – needs to make the transition to post menopausal character player – grandma, aunt, widower et al. She hasn’t been sexy since she was chasing Mahoney around the academy barracks. She’s crazy to boot; a dangerous combo.
46. Katie Holmes – She was hot. But Tom fixed that right quick. The alien probe she was subjected to makes her places aliens probe a very undesirable place to probe. Major ick factor here. She may be the one person on the list that can still turn it around. There is hope with this one. Sometimes she looks like a muppet, but I can never figure out which one.
45. Celine Dion – I have never looked at Celine Dion and imagined her naked. As I typed that last sentence I was thinking about green JELL-O. I don’t even believe she has sexual organs. They should make white grape JELL-O.
44. Elayne Boosler – She probably would have drifted from my subconscious along with the likes of Paula Poundstone and Rita Rudner, which would have been preferred, but Boozler has landed a gig as the very unfunny host of Baulderdash somewhere on my basic cable dial. As a result she also landed on my list.
43. Sissy Spacek – unsexy actors are usually great actors. Otherwise they’d be secretaries in a government office. Sissy Spacek would have been an awesome secretary. In a government office.
42. Amanda Bearse – Sometimes Married with Children was unwatchable. It wasn’t because of the sophomoric, misogynistic humor – which was just my speed at an age of adolescence. Married with Children was unwatchable because of Amanda Bearse, and I’m pretty sure she created the show. A boyish poodle slinging women’s lib shit was just unsexy.
41. Natalie Portman – Some Guys think she’s hot. I think she looks like an effeminate little dude. Therefore, it might be gay for a guy to think Natalie Portman is hot.
That will do it for part one. It will get worse. Much worse.
Up Next, Part II– 40 thru 31.
Filed under: Today in Boston, Top Lists
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