Watch it!

Charlie Wrigley wrote this around lunchtime:

It’s always Sunny in Philadelphia

the second season premiere’s tonight with 2 episodes starting at 10:00 on fx. Great show, check it out.

Why should you? If for no other reason, watch because Danny DeVito is back on a sit-com for the first time in a long time as a regular player. Rumor has it that he hasn’t been this good since his days as Louie De Plama on Taxi, or opposite Joe Piscapo as Harry Valentini in the movie Wiseguys.

And because the original four are back and they’re hilarious.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Tonight at 10:00
fx

4 old dudes

Charlie Wrigley wrote this at around evening time:

check out this article of one-upmanship and absurdity written by 3 colleages and myself… It’s an homage to an old Monty Python Sketch…

here.

Coffee Talk

Charlie Wrigley wrote this just before lunchtime:

Wow, you drink coffee, hilarious. What’s that? You can’t get going until you’ve had four cups? Awesome.

Here’s an idea… Shut the fuck up about it. Can’t live without your coffee, eh? What a huge loss to the human population it would be if you and your oversized Garfield mug that you so whimsically made at a paint-your-own-pottery-place on an afternoon of espresso fueled creativity weren’t in it. Idiot. Garfield huh? Great choice. You can’t paint for shit either. He looks more like Heathcliffe you untalented hack. Oh, your kid made it huh? Is he a retard? Oh, it’s a she huh? Is she fucking blind? Piss off!

Don’t even. Don’t even blame your typos in your morning update email bore-fest on the fact, that awe, you’re sleepy, and you haven’t hawd yaw cowfee yet. You know what? You’re an idiot, and all the coffee in Colombia isn’t going to cure your spelling and grammar deficiencies. Its caffeine, not smart juice, stupid.

And once you start to get your caffeine geek going, stay the fuck away from me. I’m a miserable fuck, and I will stab you, chipper jones. I will stab you in the heart with the very plastic spork that you are stirring your Splenda and skim hazel nut crème. Got it?

And who are you kidding with the splenda and the skim milk. You are a house, with attached garages on each of your thighs. Yes, you are fat. What the hell are you eating when you aren’t drinking coffee? Caffeine is a supposed to be a dietary supplement. Like cocaine. There are no fat coke-heads. You’re a goddamn anomaly.

Listen cubicle jockey, I don’t need to hear how much coffee you drink. I don’t need to hear you tell everyone on the phone how much coffee you drink, as telling them so is your preferred opener. It’s not funny no matter how hard you laugh. every. single. time.

That’s it. Have a nice day, asshole.

Love Quiz

Charlie Wrigley wrote this just before lunchtime:

So you’ve been going steady for some time now, and you are wondering if you should take the next step. Take this quiz and see if it’s the right choice. You might learn something about yourself as well as about your man…

1. On Your first date he…
a. Brought you flowers, splurged for a five-course meal and capped off the night with a romantic moonlight drive.
b. Took you to see his favorite musical, where you both cried ‘tears of joy’ in the third act.
c. Was involved in a deadly hit-and-run before he picked you up and made you swear on your unborn children that you’d never tell a living soul.
d. Took you to a baseball game and called you a fucking jinx when his team lost.

2. At the end of your first date…
a. He gave you a sweet peck on the cheek.
b. He gave you a hug and whispered in your ear that he wished this magical night would never end.
c. He gave you his word that he would kill everyone in your family if they didn’t listen to his ska band’s demo tape.
d. He gave you Herpes Simplex B from two-minutes of unprotected hate-sex in the back seat of his fuckin’ Monte Carlo while repeating the mantra: You screwed my Red Sox, now I’m gonna screw you.

3. On Sunday afternoons he…
a. Wants to do outdoor activities with you, like rock-climbing, biking and skimming stones.
b. Loves to take you antique shopping.
c. Makes you shower repeatedly to wash away all the filth.
d. Likes “quickies” in between innings, quarters, sets, holes, laps, halves and periods (no pun intended).

4. When he first met your parents he
a. Called your dad sir, and asked if you and your mom were sisters.
b. Complimented your mother’s fashion sense.
c. Looked your dad square in the eyes and thought to himself, “That’s right; I’m fuckin’ your daughter, pal.” And then, nodding his head in affirmation, says aloud “That’s right; I’m fuckin’ your daughter, pal.”
d. Told your dad he could beat him at any sport, any time, any place.

5. Your friends think he’s…
a. Charming and sweet.
b. Stylish and cultured.
c. Strong and ambitious.
d. Athletic and competitive.

6. His best bud is upset because he just broke up with his girlfriend of four years. He…
a. Brings a six-pack and a pizza over to his buddy’s place to cheer him up.
b. Doesn’t have any male friends.
c. Vows never to speak to that bleeding-hearted pussy ever again.
d. Sets him up on a date with your sister because he can definitely get to third base within the first hour.


7. At the big annual camping trip with your friends, he…

a. Builds the fire every night and makes freshly toasted smores for everyone.
b. Books a room at a boutique hotel the first day after complaining about gnats, the whole time pronouncing the “g” in gnats.
c. Brings a still-warm pig that he’d caught and killed with his bare hands to dinner. There are no farm animals within fifty miles of the campsite.
d. Spends most of the weekend drunk and playing horseshoes with a bunch of Korean widowers two campsites away.

8. While helping him hang a mirror in his apartment, you accidentally drop it and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces. He…
a. Carries you out of the room so you don’t cut yourself, then sweeps up the glass.
b. Belts out a high-pitched scream at the top of his lungs, jumps up on a chair, and pledges not to come down for seven years.
c. Punches you in the mouth, then picks up a big shard and licks it.
d. Bets you a hundred dollars he can guess how many pieces of glass there are within five pieces. Makes you shake on it.

9. When you hint about marriage he…
a. Is always thoughtful and has nothing but positive words about your long future together.
b. Already has his tuxedo and floral arrangement picked out. Also has some “ideas” for the bridesmaids’ dresses.
c. Stares at you without blinking until you run out of the room crying.
d. Changes the subject, or wasn’t listening at all to begin with.

10. When you say I love you, he replies with…
a. I love you too.
b. Oh Honey, you are so adorable!
c. You’d better, or I’ll bomb your grandparents’ whole fuckin’ retirement community.
d. (While watching T.V.) Shhhh… Not now babe, the Preakness starts in like two hours.

Answers:

Mostly A’s
You are a lesbian.

Mostly B’s
Your man likes penis… a lot. But on the positive side, at least you have something in common. How does it feel to be a beard anyway?

Mostly C’s
Take a cosmotogy class or two, because you are going to need to get good at covering bruises with pancake makeup. It’s okay because you probably deserve it.

Mostly D’s
You are the luckest gal in town. He’s easy to please, and he’ll never notice when you are getting the tube steak from the butcher down the street.

Review of Boston Native Dane Cook’s Tourgasm

Charlie Wrigley wrote this mid-afternoon:

HBO’s Soprano-less Sunday night line-up is strong. Strong like bull-dyke. “Deadwood” requires undivided attention, and a Wild West flowery prose glossary. “Deadwood’s” meaty character driven storylines and dialogue, in between the gratuitous use of “cocksucker” of course, are riddled with symbolism and subtleties which can be draining. The mindless “Entourage”, is a nice shift: a sorbet to cleanse the palate after a rich entrée. “Entourage” is one-dimensional and way too scripted, but it’s fun. “Lucky Louie”, a newcomer is a welcome surprise. “Lucky Louie”, peppered with the comedy stylings of Boston rooted CK’s stand-up act is an often clever look into the bright-blue-collar lifestyle accompanied by bright-blue material. It’s real and the situations are rooted by the plight of struggling working family man, not by the minds of Ivy League sitcom writers.

At 11:00, “Tourgasm” is the Sunday night headliner. The show, a documentary of a comedy tour with an eponymous name, features Dane Cook and three other guys as they tour America in a bus in 30 days, performing 20 shows.

(Ironic because last year it was rumored that Cook was stealing Louie CK’s material - Google for more info, that’s what Google is for.)

The show is not interesting because of another Boston native, Dane Cook. Dane Cook is the star of the show, and the tour revolves around the fact that he is Dane Cook; the biggest comedian in America right now. But there aren’t any surprises here with Cook. This show solidifies the fact that Dane Cook is not only funny on stage, but also, that he’s a funny person. He was born to be a comedian. He is this generation’s Carlin, and while I’m not comparing the two, they are both Comedians. Capital C. They may have some success in movies and television, but their passion lies in making stadiums of people laugh – that’s the reason they have been put on this earth, and there are only a few people like them.

The show is interesting because of the three other guys; Gary Gulman also from Boston, Jay Davis, and Robert Kelly, another Boston guy.

In the premiere episode, Cook mentions twice that he chose the three comedians for specific reasons, and that they are each in different stages of their careers. Obscure, Obscurer, and Obscurest perhaps?

Gulman, the big dude from Last Comic Standing is still telling the same old jokes, and seems to fly under the radar. He has an air of indifference, as if to say he has other things to fall back on if the comedy thing doesn’t work out. This is apparent in the fact that he has done little to improve his act over the last few years. He seems like a cool laid back, guy’s guy, and he’s probably just along for the ride.

Robert “Bobby” Kelly seems to be the most obvious of the comedians, hitting obvious topics with obvious results. He’s brash and rough around the edges, but is the type of comic who audiences seem to appreciate, if only for a while.

Then there is Jay Davis. The “newbie.” Jay Davis managed to mention he is in the process of finding God, work on his tax returns, and cried – all on the first 2 days of the tour. Yes. He cried on day two of a 30-day tour. His tears were not for losing a parent, which is just about the only acceptable time to cry. He cried because he was getting picked on. A comedian brought to tears because someone was making fun of him. I’m emphasizing this fact because this is how Jay Davis makes his fucking living.

The interaction between Jay Davis and Bobby Kelly is what makes this show interesting. These guys are two nobodies outside of their industry, vying for the approval of Dane Cook. Kelly is a recess bully and bullies prey on the weak. Davis is the most fragile of the four. Kelly preys on Davis. Kelly pushes Davis’ buttons until he breaks down, and then Kelly makes nice with Davis, for damage control, the way bullies do. The process is awesome, as these two flawed characters give and take.

The highlight of the show was one particular exchange. The four comedians were on the bus. Cook and Kelly were having a lively discussion about porn, specifically, one red tape owned by Kelly that was too good to ever let anyone borrow (In the world of porn exchange – once you let someone borrow a flick you will never get it back – fact – so, if you’re smart, you keep the good porn safe, in a cool dry place, that only you know). Cook and Kelly and mute wallflower Gulman were in on the chat, when Kelly asked Jay Davis about the best porno he had ever seen. This was towards the beginning of the show, and we don’t yet know what these guys are about. Jay Davis replies by asking how much longer they are going to talk about porn, and that the subject had been beaten to death – time to move on.

At this point I’m thinking, this Jay Davis guy is all right – he’s unique and has an opinion on something and is genuinely irked by the repetition of a clichéd subject. Attaboy! Right? Wrong. As quickly as he had me on-board he loses anyone who was hoping he was going where they thought he was going. Instead, he talks about God, and gets defensive. Kelly wins us back by telling him to loosen the fuck up. At this point it’s hard to root for either of these guys.

I don’t know if it’s particularly good TV, but if you like comedy and the dealers of comedy, this stuff is interesting. More so than the Comedians of Comedy, a feature film released last year by Patton Oswalt and friends with a similar concept. Comedians of Comedy, had the idea first, but theirs was without the tension. They were all real friends (not show-biz friends like on “Tourgasm”) who respect each other; there were no “stars” and certainly no star treatment on their bus. The Tourgasm bus, on the other hand, has a visual class system, and the petty bullshit we all know exists in the business. Cook has his own Fredo suite on the bus. The other three have bunk-bed cubbies and a curtain for privacy (a cubby that Davis climbs into for a good cry and a unintentionally hilarious exchange with Cook, as we see Cook talking to an inaudible Davis choked up by tears behind a drawn curtain in the premiere episode).

I can’t wait to see where it all goes, and if the first episode is any indication of what’s to come, expect to see the soft white underbelly of three struggling comedians exposed. Pay special attention to how the three treat each other opposed to the way everyone treats Cook. It’s a fascinating study of Hollywood behavioral bullshit, and you’ll get a few chuckles along the way.

Look at My Striped Shirt!

Charlie Wrigley wrote this in the early afternoon:

The best book published since the Bible!!!!

Look at My Striped Shirt!

Written by The Phat Phree
Category: Humor
Publisher: Broadway
Format: Trade Paperback, 256 pages
Pub Date: December 2006
Price: $12.95

ABOUT THIS BOOK

Remember hearing about The Onion right before it took off? This is just such a moment for a new comedy collective known as The Phat Phree. Almost a million people got their first addictive taste of the Phamily’s humor when their blistering profile of a Red Bull–swilling jerk in an emphatically striped shirt spread virally around the Internet. Now, with thephatphree.com regularly receiving over three million views a month and the launch of Look at My Striped Shirt!, the world is about to become a much funnier place.

The Phat Phree’s genius, brilliantly evident throughout Look at My Striped Shirt!, lies in lampooning the people who plague us by adopting the typical offender’s point of view. We meet such benighted souls as:

• the dismissive IT tech (”You could have fixed this yourself by typing ‘_ipconfig.exe’ after the c-prompt. Idiot.”)

• the desperate-for-validation high school teacher (”Like my Goo Goo Dolls tee? Anyone else here down with the Dolls? Me either. I was just wearing it as a goof.”)

• the man in seat 18D who must get off the plane first (”I WILL get off this plane before you—maybe by as much as 30 or 45 seconds.”)

Covering every arena of life, Look at My Striped Shirt! treats us to pitch-perfect re-creations of familiar figures who bewilder us with their stupidity, vapidity, or arrogance. Combining the snarky intelligence of The Onion with the broad appeal of Bud Lite’s “Real Men of Genius,” this book forms a vital part of The Phat Phree’s mission: Observe. Target. Ridicule.

ABOUT THIS AUTHOR

THE PHAT PHREE is a gloriously irreverent group of talented comedy writers from around the country.

Pre-order it here

Joke of the Day!

Charlie Wrigley wrote this in the early morning:

I’ve been reduced to pasting a joke of the day here, becuase I’m still sick and have the block… So here it is:

A physician presented his bill to the attorney representing a deceased person’s estate. Each of them knew the other, having tangled quite a few times in court, where the doctor was often called as an “expert witness”.

The Doctor asked the lawyer if he wanted the bill sworn to.

“No,” replied the lawyer, “the death of Mr. Amanpreet is sufficient evidence that you attended him professionally.”

“Be that as it may,” replied the doctor, “the fact that you handled his affairs is probably why he couldn’t afford to pay this bill in the first place.”

Ta-da!

Influenza

Charlie Wrigley wrote this in the early morning:

Charlie’s been sick as a dog… He doesn’t want your pity, or even any empathy. But a little f’n sympathy would be nice. We Bostonians are miserable bastards as it is - but hell hath no fury/wheezy/cough-y/sneezy/chilly/fever-y/ like a Bostonian scorn (by the flu).

So back off.