Boston is Funny...

A friend of mine put several of his friends under severe duress to play in a charity poker event (which I was told 1st place paid 3 grand) last night at Kowloon’s.

There was a field of 68 players. The tournament buy-in was $125.

I won. Came in first. I’m not a good player. That’s beside the point though.

The payout was not 3,000. Rather it was 1,000. Except not in cash. They paid in fucking gift cards. Not only that, but I had to fill out a tax form claiming the winnings.

The tournament organizer also strong-armed me into tipping out the dealer $80.

On the way home, I was calling the numbers on the card to activate them. While doing so, I failed to see a posted speed limit of 30mph in the tunnel at the Tobin Bridge. I got pulled over. The police officer informed me I was going 58. I got a $300 ticket.

It’s probably un-related, but this morning my wife got a flat tire. I had to take care of that, and as a result was late for work. I might get fired.

The Breakdown:

Winnings: 1000
Buy-in: -125
Drinks: -20
Gas: -10
Tip: -80
Ticket: -300
Taxes: -150
Tire: -100
Job: -60,000

That put me in the red. -59,785.

This is what it feels like to be a winner?

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I was 20 minutes early for work today, must be on account of all the kids having the day off. Damn kids got it made.

The work parking lot was empty, and had just been plowed. Not plowed very well, I guess the good snow plowers were still on my street figuring out how to make my life more awesome (see post below)

They left a nice sheet of snow. The parking lot is huge here, so I did what any 27 year old, warm blooded, mentally challenged Bostonian would do. I did fucking donuts.

360 slides. Frontwards and reverse. I punched the gas going straight; got it up to about thirty then cut the wheel. Round and around.

It was awesome.

By the time I was “finished” and ready to go into work, I was 2 hours late and my gas tank was empty.

I’ve been having muscle spasms for the rest of the day. Which muscles? The fucking donut muscles, my friends… Muscles that haven’t seen a good work out since I was in high school.

I’ve progressed very little since then.

What the hell have you ever accomplished that’s so great?

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It’s one thirty in the morning and I just finished shoveling.

I have a few people I’d like to thank.

To my neighbor, who feels comfortable enough to tell me how old she is, and how much pain she is in. Of course I will shovel your stairs, walkway and driveway. I’m a young and able man! Speaking of which, where the fuck are all your grandchildren that, as you have informed me on many occasions, are doing very, very well? Never mind, I’m sure they are busy running their companies/saving the world etc. Thank you old lady, for allowing me to shovel for you. And thank you for your constructive criticism, I don’t feel like I do everything half assed as you put it, but you did inspire me to try harder. I may have inadvertently slipped a disc in my back - but no pain, no gain! Thanks again.

Thank you to the snow plowers around the city. Special shout out to the guy who did my street. You did an amazing job pushing all the snow from your buddy’s driveway, really. The fact that you pushed it all in the vicinity of my wife’s car was very cool my friend! I’ll admit her car is a bit of a beater - an eyesore really, so I can totally agree that it was called for that you completely buried it. I had a heck of a time shoveling it out, but the reward was ten - fold. I felt like I was in a real snow fort when I had dug a path to get to the car to begin shoveling it out. I was just like Nanu of the North!

I’d like to thank the snow plower once again for waiting until I was completely done, to plow the street again. He’s a crafty one! I was inside and ready for bed. Well, I guess you got me. You got me pretty good. I think I learned a valuable lesson - don’t start shoveling until well after midnight unless you want to start all over again… Thank you Mr. snow plower…

Wait… Yup, he got me again… Sorry folks I’ve got to get the gear back on he did it again. Man, I’m going to lose ten pounds before I hit the pillow tonight. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You!

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Why is it 52 degrees and sunny out today?

I was twenty minutes late for work, because once I got outside I realized I had to back in to take off my parka. I had to put my mittens back in the closet to keep the moth balls company.

I took off my boots in favor of a pair of sandals.

The snow pants had to go too. And the long Johns.

No need for a scarf today, or my wool hat.

The thick wax layer of Chap Stick had already melted and starting drooling off my chin.

It’s JAN 12!!! It’s almost 60 degrees… Is the world coming to an end???

If it’s not cold, I have almost nothing to complain about. This is not fair Lord. Are you listening to me God? Cut this shit out man.

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Not all the CVS’ suck around this town. Just one in particular. The one on Mass ave. I’m sure there are many on Mass Ave, but if you’ve ever been into this one you know which one I’m talking about.

Why does it suck? Because it takes a half an hour to buy a birthday card. It takes forty five minutes to buy cigarettes. If you need more than one item, you better clear your schedule for the afternoon.

Why does it take so long? The answer is two fold.

The first reason is that the place is crawling with students from nearby colleges. Apparently college kids don’t use cash as tender when bartering for goods and services. I don’t know if they are using credit cards or some type of point system, but it’s never a smooth transaction.

There is usually a credit problem, and managers are involved, and people are called on the phone. Eventually some type of agreement is reached. But the transaction doesn’t stop there because the student wanted $7 dollars cash back. - Ah, the cash back option. Technology simplifies things right? Well, our CVS employee has already closed the drawer. Managers are called back to the scene, prayers are said, keys around necks are used catastrophe is averted, but not without a little chaos…

All this so some skinny goth chick under five feet could buy a jumbo pack of magnum condoms.

The second problem is the employees there. They are all octogenarian African American Females. What a fucking combo!

You think they care how long you wait to buy a bag of Cheetos, white-boy?

I’ve seen two of these adorable ladies working the counter when the line was out the door, and one declared it was her lunch break, and just left.

Priceless.

You’ll wait as long as it takes. Island time? You should be so lucky. You’re on old black lady time my friend.

They’ll take their time and give you an attitude to boot. Judging you. They may even resemble your grandma in some way, do not be fooled. These women are only here for two things: to make you wait and total world dominance.

Boston Sucks!

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Because, if I have to see one more I am going to kill ‘em!

At first I felt bad, and I would give them something every day…
But then I stopped, for a few reasons.

Like their positioning:
They have done all of the research. They know where to get you when you are most vulnerable.

I swear there are a group of bums with research assistants, and flow charts and market studies, and power point presentations; well maybe not power point presentations, but maybe one of those projectors, that they use to use in Geometry, that one of the colleges around here threw out, with those transparencies, and there shooting them up onto a wall in some dark alley-way. And the Head guy is doing a tutorial, and answering “Frequently Asked Questions”

“Well Wally, according to this chart, the traffic light at the end of Mass Ave takes the longest in all of Boston, You know, right near the methadone clinic where Sally gets her clean needles. We can really capitalize on people being stuck in their cars waiting for the light to change. Perhaps we could position one of our Rose guys and a couple of News boys. And Jimmy, why don’t you make one of your signs with that nice cardboard, and don’t mail it in like you did last time with that ‘will work for food’ bullshit. Get creative, maybe a war hero, or war veteran theme, and dress the part would you, Sam’s got some good costumes from that one man show he did on Broadway last year.”

They are the same people.

After a while you start to recognize the same people in the same spots day after day.

Bum: Got any change?

Me: What happened to the 45 cents I gave you yesterday? I thought you’d be back on your feet by now! You need to get yourself a financial advisor because you’re terrible with money! You really gotta think long term, Blue Chip stuff, Low risk…

Do you have any friends that you have lent money to?

Could you imagine if they asked to borrow money from you every single day, forever?

him: Jimmy, can I borrow twenty bucks?
me: Sure.
Next day
him: Jimmy can I borrow twenty bucks?
me: Hey! I gave you money yesterday, oh alright, here!
Next Day
Him: Jimmy can I borrow twenty bucks…
me: No! And my name isn’t Jimmy!

Boston Sucks!

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