May 4, 2006
The 50 Unsexiest Women in the World
“The 50 unsexiest woman in the world”, is not an accurate statement. Your friends and neighbors are much unsexier than some of the lassies on this list, but they aren’t famous. As it should be, unxexy people shouldn’t be famous. By the way, I am ripping off the Boston Phoenix’s 100 Unsexiest men in the world, if you haven’t yet noticed. But my list is different. For one, I’m a man (sort of: I’m not a boy, and not quite a man yet either, whetever. Melphi said 26 is the new 21. So I’m like 21 and three months) listing unsexy women. The list compilers of their list were also men. Men deciding which men are unsexy is just weird. Also I know that “unsexy”, “unsexiest”, and “unsexier” are not “words.”
As a disclaimer, this is my list, and my opinions, so I anticipate that many of you will disagree with my picks - and that’s your right, because you are an American or whatever. So chirp up if you want.
My list takes into account a few variables. Fugly tops the list. Vanity (read: plastic surgery) and stupidity are also big factors. Lastly there is the cringe factor. On with the show, and I apologize in advance if people tell you you look like someone on this list.
Also, remember, that being sexy isn’t the most important thing in life. There are many many other qualities…- oops, look at the time, I’m late for sexy class - I’ll check in with you later. Enjoy.
50.Jocelyne Wildenstein – also known as the Catwoman. I wanted to start the list off with a bang, and here she is. She’s the modern day monster of Frankenstein and Mary Shelley would be proud. Some women age gracefully and some women go under the knife to stay sexy. She isn’t sexy. She looks like a cat. I hate cats. Follow my logic?
49. Sarah Michele Gellar – ok this may be a controversial pick. Not for me. When I see her, I immediately think of a young Alice Cooper. Because she takes me to that place, Mrs. Prince Jr earns number 49 on my list.
48. Paris Hilton – Skankerella is so void of talent, she can’t even give a proper bj! She oozes of unsexiness and unless you like talking about gum, I can’t imagine a conversation with her lasting longer than an Elvis tune.
47. Sharon Stone – needs to make the transition to post menopausal character player – grandma, aunt, widower et al. She hasn’t been sexy since she was chasing Mahoney around the academy barracks. She’s crazy to boot; a dangerous combo.
46. Katie Holmes – She was hot. But Tom fixed that right quick. The alien probe she was subjected to makes her places aliens probe a very undesirable place to probe. Major ick factor here. She may be the one person on the list that can still turn it around. There is hope with this one. Sometimes she looks like a muppet, but I can never figure out which one.
45. Celine Dion – I have never looked at Celine Dion and imagined her naked. As I typed that last sentence I was thinking about green JELL-O. I don’t even believe she has sexual organs. They should make white grape JELL-O.
44. Elayne Boosler – She probably would have drifted from my subconscious along with the likes of Paula Poundstone and Rita Rudner, which would have been preferred, but Boozler has landed a gig as the very unfunny host of Baulderdash somewhere on my basic cable dial. As a result she also landed on my list.
43. Sissy Spacek – unsexy actors are usually great actors. Otherwise they’d be secretaries in a government office. Sissy Spacek would have been an awesome secretary. In a government office.
42. Amanda Bearse – Sometimes Married with Children was unwatchable. It wasn’t because of the sophomoric, misogynistic humor – which was just my speed at an age of adolescence. Married with Children was unwatchable because of Amanda Bearse, and I’m pretty sure she created the show. A boyish poodle slinging women’s lib shit was just unsexy.
41. Natalie Portman – Some Guys think she’s hot. I think she looks like an effeminate little dude. Therefore, it might be gay for a guy to think Natalie Portman is hot.
40. Lisa Kudrow – She was the unsexiest friend behind Schwimmer and he doesn’t wear (a lot of) make-up, nothing against her, she just aint sexy.
39. Rachel Ray – Rachel Ray is passionate about food. In fact, if you and her and some indeterminate meat wrapped in bacon were on a sinking ship and she could only save one, which do you think she’d pick. The answer is bacon, but bacon is the answer to so many of life’s questions. I don’t trust her smile. I have also heard a rumor that her taste buds were destroyed in a softball accident, so she is acting like all the stuff she makes is delicious. And you know what? She’s right, her stuff is delicious. (Apologies to anyone who doesn’t know who the fuck Rachel Ray is)
38. Frances McDormand – What the hell does she have in her mouth? Is she storing food for the season? Spit out the tobacco Frances! It’s terrible for you!
37. Rosie O’Donnell – I’m not a Rosie Basher, but her stint as the unsexy retard (at least I think she was going for the unsexy retard angle) on that T.V. movie where she rides on the bus earned her a spot at 37. She should probably be a lot higher on the list too, because retarded or not, riding on a bus is not that big of a deal. Rumor has it she’ll be filling the empty chair on the View. They’re gonna need a bigger chair. Oh Snap!
36. Lisa Rinna – Are you kidding me? What is wrong with these women? Why would this dancing star think lips that look like tubular large intestine looks sexy – and she maintains the look! Women are crrrazy!
35. Avril Lavigne – Picture the sexiest woman in the world. Ok got one in mind? Now imagine that you live in the same house, and she has the flu so bad that she’s been bed ridden for a week. Now she finally gets out of bed looking like phlegm death and goes to the fridge for some juice just as you’re on your way to work and the light from the fridge – the first artificial or natural light to illuminate her pesto hued skin in a week – hits her just as you look at her. That’s Avril Lavigne on a good day. Maybe she hates vitamins. Or maybe she loves heroin.
34. Tori Spelling – A live action Picasso. Sorry, I’m just not a fan of nepotism: it’s so unsexy.
33. Sarah Jessica Parker – Awww, America’s sweetheart. If she lived in Salem present day, they might dig up some old witch burning practices. All I’m saying is that she looks like a witch. And not the “sexy” kind gals dress up like on Halloween. She looks like a witch that has flying monkeys and makes weird soup.
32. Susan Warnick – the first local woman to make the List. Warnick is a newscaster and from the looks of it, spent way too many summers down the Cape. The liquid lunches at Davios might be a caveat too. She was once married to local sportscaster Bob Lobel. Now I’m not going to speculate as to why the two divorced, but I can definitely say Lobel was just too damn sexy for Warnick.
31. Nancy Grace – Thank God I can’t afford HD TV, because if I could, I would need to keep a bucket handy every time I accidentally flipped past CNN when Grace is on-air. The bucket, of course, is for me to throw up in; and throw up buckets, like high definition tee vees, don’t come cheap.
30. Björk – Björk proves that not everything from Iceland is sexy. Her music is unsexy. Most unsexy of all: she has an umlaut (two dots) over the o in her name, very unsexy.
29. Kathy Griffin – her self indulgent masturbatory brand of “comedic” rhetoric is bafflingly gawd awful. And she has an unsexy square head. And who told the unsexy people that plastic surgery would make them sexy? Congratulations Kathy, you made “a” list.
28. Vicky Lewis – Who the hell is Vicky Lewis? She’s the girl who you thought was Kathy Griffin, except even less sexy.
27. Oprah Winfrey - Oprah before putting her “face on” is to the little dude inside Darth Vader. Oprah is a weak little man in a fat suit. There I said it.
26. Mackenzie Phillips – She was so unsexy, that she made Valerie Bertinelli look like a damn Supermodel. She’s so fugly, that even Schneider looked pretty good in that jean vest.
25. Ashlee Simpson – It must suck having Jessica as your sister. Then again, if they weren’t sisters, Ashlee would be laboring away at a Dairy Queen (or Chuck- E - Cheese) pushing unsexy frozen treats (or pizzas).
24. Mary-Louise Parker – she sells the character that’s dying of a terminal illness perfectly. Sexy woman can’t pull that off. Could you imagine Pamela Anderson playing a character whose insides are deteriorating from Hepatitis? Wait, nevermind.
23. Madonna – If you move somewhere you take on a different accent, I can understand that; when I went away to college I lost the, ah, Bawstin accent. But living in England for a few months and Madonna thinks she’s the fuckin queen of unsexiness! I heard her recently doing an interview from Paris, as she was “on holiday for a weekend” and she said, honest to god – “I am doing, uh, how you say, very guude?” (French accents are tough to pull off in print)
22. Holly Hunter – The poor man’s Jodie Foster. I’m not crazy about that analogy either. She does a lot of nudity. Why? Seriously. Maybe she is an actor who will only do nudity if it’s implemental to the pot. The only time seeing Holly’s boobs, (I stared at the screen for a good ten minutes trying to rhyme a word for women’s breasts with Holly, to no avail. Rhyming is stupid) but the only time her nudity should be implemental to a plot is if Angelina Jolie can save the world from evil terrorists with a plane full of snakes by flashing the bad guys, but Angelina’s character is too shy to do it alone and will only agree if Holly Hunters character goes first. The terrorists, much to their dismay, agree if that’s what it takes to get Angelina Jolie naked. That sounds like a fantastic movie by the way.
21. Lili Taylor – If an actor only plays characters that are unsexy and inadequate in some way, she too is probably unsexy. As a disclaimer, I’m a huge fan of hers. That being said, I wrote a script and there is a perfect role for her: unsexy girl number three.
20 - Tara Reid – we get it, you got a boob job, and you like to drink at clubs. But come on, you gotta be pushing thirty, do something!
19 - Mimi Rogers – Well, Tom Cruise dated her or something (too tired to research) so she might be a guy, or at the very least, have a penis. And with that cross bite, chewing must be more difficult for her than getting a decent role. Maybe not that difficult.
18 - Janice Dickinson – She is the self proclaimed “first Supermodel.” So what exactly are her super powers? She can’t fly, so that’s not it. I don’t think she is particularly strong either. I give up. No wait, I got it! She’s a fucking unsexy delusional abomination! And she has the special powers of out obnoxiousing (not a word) Omarosa.
17 - Macia Cross – Not a fan of the aviary features. She looks like a bird, but I guess as bird face women go, she looks like an impressive rare type, like an eagle, or maybe a spotted owl. Don’t you swoop down on me, girl!
16 - Shelley Duvall – This might be obscure, but Shelley Duvall still casts a dark haunting shadow over my childhood from that HBO fairy tale show for kids from the eighties, where she played the creepy radish fettish weirdo, and Jeff Bridges goes blind from falling out of a castle and the witch dies of a broken heart. Ok, first off, what? Who the hell wrote that fairy tale? That’s not for kids at all! I digress, Shelley Duvall is not only unsexy, but she’s downright creepy. She’s got the look, the voice… She really is the complete package.
15 - Tracy Ullman – She’s actually pretty talented, and on her show she played dozens of different characters. Guess what all those characters had in common? You really don’t need me to tell you, do you?
14 - Kathy Lee Gifford – I’m willing to bet, you could walk in to any sweatshop she runs and every single under-aged Laotian girl or boy would be sexier than Kathy Lee Gifford. I think I can do better than that last bit - a tired sweatshop reference, but honestly how much effort do I need to put into such an unsexy woman? (what a shameless cop-out)
13 - Dionne Warwick – She’s a great singer.
12 - Anne Ramsey – I cheated on this one a little bit, because she is the only one on the list that is dead, but any decomposing that’s occurred could only be an improvement. Her own son tried to throw her from a train! And I don’t think Baby Ruth was too fond of her either.
11 - Lilly Tomlin – Why is she always so puckered? Is that funny? I just don’t get it. Poor Dabney Coleman had to look at that mug for the months and months it took to complete the 1980 masterpiece, Nine to Five. Jesus, I’m dating myself. Really? Dabney Coleman? Nine to Five? I was two years old when that movie came out. What is wrong with me?
10. Hilary Rodham Clinton – I’ll probably vote for Hilary in the next election, which just goes to show you that sexiness isn’t that important when it comes to politicians (although it may have helped Kerry) that’s why I’ve stayed away from politicians as a rule on this list, because it’s their jobs to make laws and stuff, it’s not their jobs to be sexy, unless they make a law that politicians have to be sexy.
9. Britney Spears – I’m not sure what happened to Britney in such little time. I shudder to think what she’ll look like in ten years. Maybe like Anne Ramsey? (See #12) I wonder what her secret is. How she could go from, like, totally chic to, like, totally geek (I watched a Can’t buy me Love last night) in just a few years. Fuck Britney Spears, we all know how unsexy she is, I want to talk about Can’t Buy Me Love. I know suede is expensive an all, but who wears their mothers white suede suit to a high school party and then drinks red fucking wine? The fact that it’s your moms white suede suit has gotta be a red flag. And I don’t care how much of a nerd you were in high school; no one mows laws all fucking summer to save money for a telescope.
8. Cher – Every time I see Cher she looks different. She changes more than a traffic light. I must admit, I die inside a little each and every day that she doesn’t produce a follow-up to Do You Believe… Well, Cher, I do believe, but not in life after love, I believe that you are one unsexy chameleon.
7. Whitney Houston – Her placement on the list was inevitable. What can be said about Whitney that hasn’t been said already? I’ve got an idea to combat that problem. Let’s play opposite game. I’ll write stuff that is the opposite of the truth. Whitney Houston is one sexy mofo. She has a balanced head on her shoulders and has treated her fame-dom with the outmost care and respect. She has superb taste in men and is a phenomenal judge of character. Also, crack is a really great look for her.
6. Star Jones – If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all: I have heard that she can read pretty fast. Not like speed-reader fast, but rather, at a nice steady pace. You how sometimes when you get distracted and you re-read the same sentence a few times? That shit never happens to Star Jones.
5. Courtney Love – She’s a mess. That’s why she is the filthy fifth unsexiest woman in the world. But she’s competitive, so look for her to be in the top three next year.
4. Joan Rivers – The ironic thing about this organism made up of surgically enhanced unsexy molecules is that she judges how sexy famous people are for a living. Deciding who is unsexy and who isn’t is the most vapid, ridiculous thing I have ever heard! And it is my decision, therefore, that Joan Rivers is in fact the fourth unsexiest woman in the world, which is an accomplishment; have you ever seen some of those women in National Giographic? I award those National Geographic home-tribe-honeys huge points for aging naturally, wearing very little make-up and not getting lifts on their saggy boobs. Those women are so brave.
3. Donatella Versace – Yikes!
2. Whoopi Goldberg – Whoopi, at one time got a pass, because some people thought she was funny. Well, things change.
If you’re still reading, you made it to number 1. Congratulations. And Here she is… This years winner!!!
1. Bruce Vilanch – I love women too much to actually name a woman the “unsexiest in the world.” Therefore that honor goes to Bruce Vilanch. And that is the truth; Bruce Vilanch is the unsexiest woman in the world. You might ask then, wouldn’t Whoopi Goldberg be the unsexiest woman in the world by default? The answer is no, Bruce Vilanch is the unsexiest woman in the world. Period.
That’ll do it. Them is some unsexy women. The most unsexy of all.
Filed under: Today in Boston, Top Lists
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