Understanding The 9 Districts

As was previously mentioned, there are 9 districts within the Boston council. While these are simply named as District 1, District 2, etc. all the way through District 9, each of these districts is responsible for a specific area or areas within Boston.

How The 9 Districts Are Divided Up

District 1 - Charlestown, East Boston, North End, City Hall
District 2 – Chinatown, Dorchester South Boston, South End
District 3 – Columbia Savin Hill, Meeting House Hill, Jones Hill, Fields Corner, Neponset, Port Norfolk, Cedar Grove, Lower Mills, Clam Point, Harbor Point
District 4 – Franklin Field, Codman Square, Mattapan
District 5 – Roslindale, Hyde Park, Mattapan
District 6 – Jamaica Plain, West Roxbury
District 7 – Fenway, Roxbury, South End
District 8 – Beacon Hill, Back Bay, Fenway, Mission Hill, West End
District 9 - Allston/Brighton

Some Important Information About Restructuring

Each of the districts were changed some when there was a restructuring done in 2002. This re-structuring was done due to the results of the census. It is the hope that this re-structuring would make the districts somewhat even in population so that one district did not have any unfair advantages over any other district.

District 1 use to include the West End precinct. In 2002 this precinct was moved to District 8 when everything was re-structured.

District 2 also underwent some minor changes due to the fact that is was somewhat above the permissible population range. As such, 2 of the precincts that were located into the South End were moved into District 7, which already had several of the South End precincts.

District 3 underwent several small changes because it was also slightly above the permissible population range. However, the changes that occurred here created some more continuity.

District 4 had 3 new precincts moved to it from District 3. As such, this district becomes the district with the highest population of colored people (95.7%). The changes here were done in such a way as to allow for the least possible disruption.

District 5 now has a greater opportunity to elect a person of color as it is now a majority-minority district of voting age. Their colored population moved from 21.2% to 48.3%. As such, this is the District that has undergone the most changes. Now 50.5% of colored people are of voting age. On the other hand, Roslindale remains united so that the residents will have a person to go to on the local level.

District 6 was actually below the permissible population range. So, in order to unite Mission Hill, and unite the Roxbury Precincts the aforementioned changes were made.

District 7 actually had the lowest population range before this configuration took place. This is one of the reasons why this restructuring had to take place.

District 8 now includes Mission Hill whose strong desire was to become united within this district. Now the West End precinct would also be added to this District.

District 9 only had 1 precinct added to it but yet more of Boston University was united by doing so.

District 2: The Most Diverse District

As was mentioned above, District 2 is very diverse because it includes Bay Village, Chinatown, the Leather District, South Boston, the South End and parts of Downtown Boston and Northern Dorchester. Each of these areas must be understood in order to truly understand just how diverse this district really is. Here is what you really should know about the areas that are now included within this District:

1.

Bay Village is Boston’s smallest neighborhood with less than 1000 residents. However, there are many artists and creative personalities living there. It has a central location, historic architecture and close community feel to it.

2.

Chinatown is the fifth largest Chinatown in the United States. This is a thriving community with a unique mix of residential and commercial properties. A lot of these are family-owned businesses. The population is about 90% Chinese, most of whom have arrived in Boston within the past 5 years. As such, there are many traditional customs here, which helps to make this area a major tourist attraction.

3.

The Leather District is emerging as one of the most desirable living areas in Boston. The area consists of 19th century brick and cast iron column warehouses that were originally designed for manufacturing. More businesses are now desiring to move there and residents like the many amenities that these businesses have to offer.

4.

North Dorchester was founded in 1630 and it is now Boston’s oldest neighborhood. Within these boundaries are a lot of different communities. There are a lot of triple decker three-family houses available here. It also encompasses the University of Massachusetts Boston campus, the JFK Library and the Franklin Park Zoo. Originally this was an area filled with Irish immigrants, but now many people from Vietnam, Haiti and Cape Verde live there.

5.

The downtown area is the city’s commercial heart. The area that is located within District 2 reaches from Chinatown to Winter/Summers Streets and Dorchester Avenue. There is some great shopping here. The Combat Zone is also located here.

6.

South Boston is considered the heart of Irish Boston. Many young professionals now live here along the beaches. There is a strong sense of community pride here that makes it a great place to be.

7.

The South End no longer is an affordable alternative place to live. This is because residents favor its tree-lined streets, Victorian architecture, trendy restaurants and welcoming attitude. Its most appealing aspect is its diverse mix of families, young and older professionals, as well as a thriving gay and lesbian community.

It’s been a few years, but maybe I should get a perm. It might just drum up a little business.

I’m a narc – a narcotics agent.

I first realized I wanted to be a narc when a little show called 21 Jump Street first hit the airwaves. I realized then that I wanted to be an undercover narcotics agent roaming high schools throughout the state busting kids for the drugs.

The year was 1987, I was twenty three, jobless, and high most of the day, and so, I needed to do something. I needed a change. So change I did. And boy did I change.

I made a choice one afternoon when I saw a commercial for a heating and air conditioning training program. I applied, was accepted and then expelled from the HVAC program after only three and a half hours. I was expelled for getting involved in a rather complex, large scale embezzlement scheme and subsequent plans of laundering the take. I was accepted for my dashing twenty three year old good looks. I applied with a number two pencil.

Minor setback – and quite possibly, it was a sign that I really was meant to be a narc. So, I got a degree from my town’s mid-level narc school in a couple of short weeks. It wasn’t the best narc shoolin town, nor was it the worst. It was there that I mastering the art of disguising myself as a sixteen year old kid, looking to score a little weed.

The first few years were good. I was good. Modesty be damned, I was great. I partied my fuckin’ face off, and I managed to make a few collars (37) along the way.

Then sometime in the mid 90’s all of the kids just stopped doing drugs. Every school I went to it was the same. No drugs to be had. The Nancy Reagan message of just saying no must have finally resonated with these kids. That’s the best explanation I can think of. Who would have believed that a woman like Nancy Reagan could reach the kids of America? When you think about it, she did have many qualities that would make the youths heed her advice. She was old, which equals wise. From her public image one can only infer that she was also caring, understanding – and concerned that kids were getting wasted. Plus she was probably a little promiscuous, and kids love an old whore, they are so authentically charming.

But alas, I’ve been on a ten year dry spell trying to find drugs in High Schools, and believe me, I tried everything. I’ve asked kids to go to a Floyd laser shows, to no avail. Nobody wants to come over to my pad to watch The Wall. They aren’t even interested in cueing up Dark Side of the Moon to the Wizard of Oz! Pink Floyd always worked. Always. These fuckers don’t even know who Pink Floyd is; even the ones wearing vintage Floyd T-shirts are clueless.

Fact is, these kids don’t even party anymore. There hasn’t been a house party in years. No beer busts at the quarry, no kegs in the woods, and no bongs at the beach.

Maybe it’s me. Maybe I just don’t blend in as well as I once did. I drive a re-built Trans-Am; they drive Prius’ and little VW’s. I listen to Pearl Jam and Sting, they listen to Paris Hilton. I have a mustache and these kids can’t grow a decent sideburn if they wanted to, which apparently they don’t. I’ve got a wife, kids, a mortgage, and a receding hair line. They’ve got virginity, text messages, and sprouting pubic hair. They’re teenagers and I’m 42. Maybe it is me. I don’t think they believe that I’m 16 anymore. They probably think I’m sort of child molester trying to lure them with psychedelic Floyd rifts so I can diddle their bits, but all I want to do is bust ‘em for drugs!

No, I still hold that kids today don’t party or do drugs.

I should probably just quit, but I never got paid to begin with, so quitting a job that technically doesn’t exist loses that dramatic panache. I think I’ll just retire quitely. Besides, I was always conflicted with confiscating these kids’ drugs and then selling them at a very, very small discount to my friends and family.

I digress… now, this aint Mom’s first marriage. This is actually her fourth.

My first “dad” was our mailman. He’d pop in for a few minutes a day, as we were on his route. He delivered our mail, but for mom, he delivered so much more. He would give her a little package every day, if you know what I mean. He gave her a little piece of certified male, if you catch my drift. He would fuck her.

Dad left when his route was transferred. He informed us one day, that the reason the office was transferring him was “all politics.” I didn’t question the reason, and to this day still believe that politics has something to do with reassignment procedures. Like when I had to switch offices because of asbestos, it was “all politics.” When my wife and I moved recently - purely political. Then she got all political when she moved my Clint Eastwood watercolor series into the basement. Fuck politics.

But, through rain, sleet, snow or shine, Mom was destined to be wed and she quickly remarried and stayed that was for quite some time. She married our church pastor. Controversial, because our church was of Catholic denomination. Father Daddy was a good man. They split after he got me pregnant. He was totally cool though, because he paid for half of the abortion. We went halfsies. He was a good man, with a great big heart. That might have been his downfall. He just had too much love to give. I miss him.

Mom settled down again with a quieter fella fairly soon thereafter. His name was Pete, which was short for a much longer name of Middle Eastern extraction. “Pete” told us he owned the local convenient store, but we knew he was just a fucking shift manager. He would follow us around the house making sure we didn’t steal anything, even though it was our stuff. In fact, the only things he owned were a sleeping bag that reeked of licorice and the key to Mom’s heart.

Things got really weird once, when I was reading my subscribed National Geographic (one particularly heavy with African tribal porn) and he scolded that I wasn’t in a library, and that I had to buy the magazine.

“It’s my fucking magazine, Pete. And I’m really uncomfortable with you staring at me while I’m taking a shit. I thought I locked that door.”

I think Mom had enough of his petty bullshit and finally called it quits. That and he would beat her until she was bloody and stupid every early Sunday afternoon before he cooked brunch for the family.

I miss Pete too; he made great eggs Benny.

I think Mom is finally happy now, and I really believe that she has found her soul mate. And I love my new Dad, Mary.

You’re welcome. I know the seasons get confusing. I’m here to help. Oh by the way, tomorrow it’s going to be a hundred and four. That’s hot!

be back next week.

the second season premiere’s tonight with 2 episodes starting at 10:00 on fx. Great show, check it out.

Why should you? If for no other reason, watch because Danny DeVito is back on a sit-com for the first time in a long time as a regular player. Rumor has it that he hasn’t been this good since his days as Louie De Plama on Taxi, or opposite Joe Piscapo as Harry Valentini in the movie Wiseguys.

And because the original four are back and they’re hilarious.

It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia
Tonight at 10:00
fx

here.

Wow, you drink coffee, hilarious. What’s that? You can’t get going until you’ve had four cups? Awesome.

Here’s an idea… Shut the fuck up about it. Can’t live without your coffee, eh? What a huge loss to the human population it would be if you and your oversized Garfield mug that you so whimsically made at a paint-your-own-pottery-place on an afternoon of espresso fueled creativity weren’t in it. Idiot. Garfield huh? Great choice. You can’t paint for shit either. He looks more like Heathcliffe you untalented hack. Oh, your kid made it huh? Is he a retard? Oh, it’s a she huh? Is she fucking blind? Piss off!

Don’t even. Don’t even blame your typos in your morning update email bore-fest on the fact, that awe, you’re sleepy, and you haven’t hawd yaw cowfee yet. You know what? You’re an idiot, and all the coffee in Colombia isn’t going to cure your spelling and grammar deficiencies. Its caffeine, not smart juice, stupid.

And once you start to get your caffeine geek going, stay the fuck away from me. I’m a miserable fuck, and I will stab you, chipper jones. I will stab you in the heart with the very plastic spork that you are stirring your Splenda and skim hazel nut crème. Got it?

And who are you kidding with the splenda and the skim milk. You are a house, with attached garages on each of your thighs. Yes, you are fat. What the hell are you eating when you aren’t drinking coffee? Caffeine is a supposed to be a dietary supplement. Like cocaine. There are no fat coke-heads. You’re a goddamn anomaly.

Listen cubicle jockey, I don’t need to hear how much coffee you drink. I don’t need to hear you tell everyone on the phone how much coffee you drink, as telling them so is your preferred opener. It’s not funny no matter how hard you laugh. every. single. time.

That’s it. Have a nice day, asshole.

1. On Your first date he…
a. Brought you flowers, splurged for a five-course meal and capped off the night with a romantic moonlight drive.
b. Took you to see his favorite musical, where you both cried ‘tears of joy’ in the third act.
c. Was involved in a deadly hit-and-run before he picked you up and made you swear on your unborn children that you’d never tell a living soul.
d. Took you to a baseball game and called you a fucking jinx when his team lost.

2. At the end of your first date…
a. He gave you a sweet peck on the cheek.
b. He gave you a hug and whispered in your ear that he wished this magical night would never end.
c. He gave you his word that he would kill everyone in your family if they didn’t listen to his ska band’s demo tape.
d. He gave you Herpes Simplex B from two-minutes of unprotected hate-sex in the back seat of his fuckin’ Monte Carlo while repeating the mantra: You screwed my Red Sox, now I’m gonna screw you.

3. On Sunday afternoons he…
a. Wants to do outdoor activities with you, like rock-climbing, biking and skimming stones.
b. Loves to take you antique shopping.
c. Makes you shower repeatedly to wash away all the filth.
d. Likes “quickies” in between innings, quarters, sets, holes, laps, halves and periods (no pun intended).

4. When he first met your parents he…
a. Called your dad sir, and asked if you and your mom were sisters.
b. Complimented your mother’s fashion sense.
c. Looked your dad square in the eyes and thought to himself, “That’s right; I’m fuckin’ your daughter, pal.” And then, nodding his head in affirmation, says aloud “That’s right; I’m fuckin’ your daughter, pal.”
d. Told your dad he could beat him at any sport, any time, any place.

5. Your friends think he’s…
a. Charming and sweet.
b. Stylish and cultured.
c. Strong and ambitious.
d. Athletic and competitive.

6. His best bud is upset because he just broke up with his girlfriend of four years. He…
a. Brings a six-pack and a pizza over to his buddy’s place to cheer him up.
b. Doesn’t have any male friends.
c. Vows never to speak to that bleeding-hearted pussy ever again.
d. Sets him up on a date with your sister because he can definitely get to third base within the first hour.

7. At the big annual camping trip with your friends, he…
a. Builds the fire every night and makes freshly toasted smores for everyone.
b. Books a room at a boutique hotel the first day after complaining about gnats, the whole time pronouncing the “g” in gnats.
c. Brings a still-warm pig that he’d caught and killed with his bare hands to dinner. There are no farm animals within fifty miles of the campsite.
d. Spends most of the weekend drunk and playing horseshoes with a bunch of Korean widowers two campsites away.

8. While helping him hang a mirror in his apartment, you accidentally drop it and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces. He…
a. Carries you out of the room so you don’t cut yourself, then sweeps up the glass.
b. Belts out a high-pitched scream at the top of his lungs, jumps up on a chair, and pledges not to come down for seven years.
c. Punches you in the mouth, then picks up a big shard and licks it.
d. Bets you a hundred dollars he can guess how many pieces of glass there are within five pieces. Makes you shake on it.

9. When you hint about marriage he…
a. Is always thoughtful and has nothing but positive words about your long future together.
b. Already has his tuxedo and floral arrangement picked out. Also has some “ideas” for the bridesmaids’ dresses.
c. Stares at you without blinking until you run out of the room crying.
d. Changes the subject, or wasn’t listening at all to begin with.

10. When you say I love you, he replies with…
a. I love you too.
b. Oh Honey, you are so adorable!
c. You’d better, or I’ll bomb your grandparents’ whole fuckin’ retirement community.
d. (While watching T.V.) Shhhh… Not now babe, the Preakness starts in like two hours.

Answers:

Mostly A’s
You are a lesbian.

Mostly B’s
Your man likes penis… a lot. But on the positive side, at least you have something in common. How does it feel to be a beard anyway?

Mostly C’s
Take a cosmotogy class or two, because you are going to need to get good at covering bruises with pancake makeup. It’s okay because you probably deserve it.

Mostly D’s
You are the luckest gal in town. He’s easy to please, and he’ll never notice when you are getting the tube steak from the butcher down the street.

HBO’s Soprano-less Sunday night line-up is strong. Strong like bull-dyke. “Deadwood” requires undivided attention, and a Wild West flowery prose glossary. “Deadwood’s” meaty character driven storylines and dialogue, in between the gratuitous use of “cocksucker” of course, are riddled with symbolism and subtleties which can be draining. The mindless “Entourage”, is a nice shift: a sorbet to cleanse the palate after a rich entrée. “Entourage” is one-dimensional and way too scripted, but it’s fun. “Lucky Louie”, a newcomer is a welcome surprise. “Lucky Louie”, peppered with the comedy stylings of Boston rooted CK’s stand-up act is an often clever look into the bright-blue-collar lifestyle accompanied by bright-blue material. It’s real and the situations are rooted by the plight of struggling working family man, not by the minds of Ivy League sitcom writers.

At 11:00, “Tourgasm” is the Sunday night headliner. The show, a documentary of a comedy tour with an eponymous name, features Dane Cook and three other guys as they tour America in a bus in 30 days, performing 20 shows.

(Ironic because last year it was rumored that Cook was stealing Louie CK’s material - Google for more info, that’s what Google is for.)

The show is not interesting because of another Boston native, Dane Cook. Dane Cook is the star of the show, and the tour revolves around the fact that he is Dane Cook; the biggest comedian in America right now. But there aren’t any surprises here with Cook. This show solidifies the fact that Dane Cook is not only funny on stage, but also, that he’s a funny person. He was born to be a comedian. He is this generation’s Carlin, and while I’m not comparing the two, they are both Comedians. Capital C. They may have some success in movies and television, but their passion lies in making stadiums of people laugh – that’s the reason they have been put on this earth, and there are only a few people like them.

The show is interesting because of the three other guys; Gary Gulman also from Boston, Jay Davis, and Robert Kelly, another Boston guy.

In the premiere episode, Cook mentions twice that he chose the three comedians for specific reasons, and that they are each in different stages of their careers. Obscure, Obscurer, and Obscurest perhaps?

Gulman, the big dude from Last Comic Standing is still telling the same old jokes, and seems to fly under the radar. He has an air of indifference, as if to say he has other things to fall back on if the comedy thing doesn’t work out. This is apparent in the fact that he has done little to improve his act over the last few years. He seems like a cool laid back, guy’s guy, and he’s probably just along for the ride.

Robert “Bobby” Kelly seems to be the most obvious of the comedians, hitting obvious topics with obvious results. He’s brash and rough around the edges, but is the type of comic who audiences seem to appreciate, if only for a while.

Then there is Jay Davis. The “newbie.” Jay Davis managed to mention he is in the process of finding God, work on his tax returns, and cried – all on the first 2 days of the tour. Yes. He cried on day two of a 30-day tour. His tears were not for losing a parent, which is just about the only acceptable time to cry. He cried because he was getting picked on. A comedian brought to tears because someone was making fun of him. I’m emphasizing this fact because this is how Jay Davis makes his fucking living.

The interaction between Jay Davis and Bobby Kelly is what makes this show interesting. These guys are two nobodies outside of their industry, vying for the approval of Dane Cook. Kelly is a recess bully and bullies prey on the weak. Davis is the most fragile of the four. Kelly preys on Davis. Kelly pushes Davis’ buttons until he breaks down, and then Kelly makes nice with Davis, for damage control, the way bullies do. The process is awesome, as these two flawed characters give and take.

The highlight of the show was one particular exchange. The four comedians were on the bus. Cook and Kelly were having a lively discussion about porn, specifically, one red tape owned by Kelly that was too good to ever let anyone borrow (In the world of porn exchange – once you let someone borrow a flick you will never get it back – fact – so, if you’re smart, you keep the good porn safe, in a cool dry place, that only you know). Cook and Kelly and mute wallflower Gulman were in on the chat, when Kelly asked Jay Davis about the best porno he had ever seen. This was towards the beginning of the show, and we don’t yet know what these guys are about. Jay Davis replies by asking how much longer they are going to talk about porn, and that the subject had been beaten to death – time to move on.

At this point I’m thinking, this Jay Davis guy is all right – he’s unique and has an opinion on something and is genuinely irked by the repetition of a clichéd subject. Attaboy! Right? Wrong. As quickly as he had me on-board he loses anyone who was hoping he was going where they thought he was going. Instead, he talks about God, and gets defensive. Kelly wins us back by telling him to loosen the fuck up. At this point it’s hard to root for either of these guys.

I don’t know if it’s particularly good TV, but if you like comedy and the dealers of comedy, this stuff is interesting. More so than the Comedians of Comedy, a feature film released last year by Patton Oswalt and friends with a similar concept. Comedians of Comedy, had the idea first, but theirs was without the tension. They were all real friends (not show-biz friends like on “Tourgasm”) who respect each other; there were no “stars” and certainly no star treatment on their bus. The Tourgasm bus, on the other hand, has a visual class system, and the petty bullshit we all know exists in the business. Cook has his own Fredo suite on the bus. The other three have bunk-bed cubbies and a curtain for privacy (a cubby that Davis climbs into for a good cry and a unintentionally hilarious exchange with Cook, as we see Cook talking to an inaudible Davis choked up by tears behind a drawn curtain in the premiere episode).

I can’t wait to see where it all goes, and if the first episode is any indication of what’s to come, expect to see the soft white underbelly of three struggling comedians exposed. Pay special attention to how the three treat each other opposed to the way everyone treats Cook. It’s a fascinating study of Hollywood behavioral bullshit, and you’ll get a few chuckles along the way.